A Rogue and a Mage walk into a Dungeon
by driftingstar
Summary: Yuugo has a tragically awful sense of direction and Yuuri is the worst possible person to be stuck in a dungeon with. Yuugo definitely can't wait to get rid of him. Probably. Maybe?


"Why is this my life?" Yuugo asks no one in particular as he ducks another blast of bone-melting acid. Of course, the hideous creature with too many legs only screeches in response and belches another foul spray of poisonous gas. He can feel his limbs growing lethargic and his statuses dropping like flies against a swatter. "A little help here?! You're a mage, aren't you?!"

"I'm a black mage," comes the dry response and Yuugo narrowly gets to keep his head when he turns around to glare at the asshole perched safely in the back row on a convenient rock. The black mage tosses his violet hair and levels a disdainful stare at him.

Yuugo continues to glare at him. "And?! Can't you at least give me a buff?"

"If you bothered to pay attention to whatever backwater 3rd-tier 'hero school' you trained at, you'd know that black mages only use offensive magic."

"Well- well, your face is offensive," Yuugo mutters for lack of a better comeback.

Yuuri raises an eyebrow. "You'd better duck," he advises cooly.

"Huh? ACK!" Yuugo tucks his limbs against his chest as he dodge-rolls for his life. The stone floors that he had been standing on lets out a nasty hiss as it melts into a gross-looking sludge.

It's just his luck (literally, since his luck stat was one of the lowest ever recorded in the Village of Beginnings) that of all the people he could have run into in this dungeon, he runs into a prissy, stuck up, asshole mage who is too lazy to lift a single finger to help him. And considering that he's a mage, lifting a finger is all the fucker has to do!

"That's it!" he cries out when he finally finds his footing and tightens his grip on his swords. "Limit break!" A translucent blue aura washes over him, shrouding his body like a cloak as he widens his stance. Glowing blue eyes narrow in the utmost concentration as time seems to slow around him until he can see every last speck of dust, every twitch of the monster's wicked pincers.

" Senpu no Helldive SLASH !"

It's all over in a flash and he stands slowly, sheathing his twin blades back into the holsters on his back. Behind him, the creature writhes as it crumbles, acid spraying violently from the hundreds of cuts that he had hacked into its body. Letting out a mournful shriek, it collapses into the ground, twitching once more before falling still. He straightens up with a long, exhausted sigh, before turning back around.

"Thanks for NOTHING!" he yells.

"You're welcome," the lazy fucker calls back, waving a dismissive hand in his direction.

A vein pops on his forehead. "Seriously?! I could have died back there!"

"Aw, don't sell yourself short," Yuuri says in a tone that can only be called patronizing as he rested his chin on his hand. "You had it in the bag. I believed in you from the start."

"Yeah right!"

Huffing, Yuugo marches over to the massive multi-limbed carcass on the ground, looting its body for all it's worth. A couple of Skewrt legs and several bits of shell gets tucked into his bottomless bag for later dismantling, along with a couple of silver coins fished out from the thing's putrid guts. Monsters sometimes swallow the randomest of things. Once, Yuugo had found an entire set of women's undergarments complete with garter belt and hose, much to his deep dismay. To add to his trauma, it somehow had far better stats than his own mythril armour.

"If you're quite done with your scavenging," a snide voice cuts through his depressing thoughts, "Shall we continue on?"

He straightens up, shooting another affronted glare at his completely and utterly unwanted companion. Who is wearing pristine silk robes with nary a hair out of place, compared to Yuugo's scratched up and filthy innard-covered armour. It's a real pity that he doesn't have the aptitude for spells and therefore can't equip death gaze or something. "What's this 'we' business?" he asks crossly. "You're just tagging along with me on your own! No, scratch that. You're a moocher ."

"Tch," Yuuri clicks his tongue while looking at Yuugo like he was the one being difficult. Yuugo isn't the one who's eating all his food, spending all his hard-earned coin on useless mage-y things, or refusing to help while he's getting melted by acid!

The tick on his forehead twitches again. "Why don't you help me fight the monsters for a change?"

"What, and draw aggro with my vastly superior damage? No thanks."

"You- What the hell do you mean 'no thanks'?! Why the hell am I the only one literally getting myself killed just to feed your weird herb addiction?!"

"I don't like to sweat. And besides, aren't you supposed to be a tank? That's your job, isn't it?"

Yuugo rears back. "What gave you that idea?!"

"Hm. Well, you're using swords and you just have that kind of gormless, dull-witted expression most commonly found in warriors or knights."

"I'm a ROGUE!" Yuugo roars, unsheathing his swords so he can gesture angrily with them. "See these? They're dual blades! DUAL BLADES, because there's TWO of them! I'm a goddamn glass canon! My best stat is dex, not vitality! If I get hit like twice, I'm finished!"

Yuuri rolls his eyes like he doesn't care and continues to examine his fingernails. "Oh? My mistake. Better practice your dodging then."

Yuugo throws his hands up as an incoherent scream of rage rips itself from his throat. "I give up!" he shrieks, stomping off down the path.

"Where are you going?" Yuuri calls out and he sounds almost put out.

"Away from YOU!"

The trek through the dungeon was long and tedious, with way too many twists and turns and hidden passageways. To someone with as poor a sense of direction as Yuugo, it was almost impossible to navigate. He would kill to have one of those nifty magic dungeon maps that shows you exactly where you are but there's no use crying over spilled milk. In the meantime, he has to make due with a crappy drawing, hastily scrawled over some bit of spare parchment.

He studies his map with a frown as he walks, but his concentration is broken by a set of unhurried footsteps echoing behind him.

"Stop following me," he snaps.

"And deny you the pleasure of my company? I'm not that cruel, I'll have you know."

Yuugo's teeth make an angry grinding sound as he tries his best not to snap and do something he'll regret. He closes his eyes and counts backward from ten. Then he starts over from thirty when it doesn't work. He should have known Yuuri was trouble from the moment he opened his mouth, but nooo. Yuugo just had to buy into his bullshit sob story about being robbed by bandits along the way and losing his whole party. As if, Yuugo thinks resentfully, there would be a group of bandits stupid enough or suicidal enough to try robbing _Yuuri_.

Just a bit more, he tells himself as he restarts his counting from fifty. Just a bit more and they'll be out of this shit hole dungeon and Yuugo will be free to dump his lazy, black-magic wielding parasite on the side of the road and never look back (just like he promised himself he would do about ten towns ago.)

Now, if only he can figure out where he's going.

"You don't know where you're going, do you?" Yuuri asks conversationally from over his left shoulder. "What's that supposed to be?"

Yuugo hunches over his map protectively and speeds up. "None of your business!"

Yuuri does that annoying thing where he raises just one eyebrow and stares at him like he's a mentally deficient puppy. "If you say so," he says with a smile that is as fake as a mimic pretending to be a treasure chest and probably has just as many teeth. Grumbling under his breath, Yuugo picks another random fork in the path and stomps down it rather dramatically.

It takes three more hours of wandering, seven more random encounters, three ambushes, and a trick portal that sends them two floors back that Yuugo finally admits he doesn't actually know where he's going. And he's running out of parchment.

He thumps his head against a convenient pillar. "Why is this my life?"

"There, there," Yuuri says with more of that fake as fuck sympathy, once again perched on another convenient chair-shaped rock. "Maybe you're just cursed." He seems in far too good a mood for someone trapped in an endless dungeon with dwindling supplies and a rogue with dwindling sanity.

Yuugo glares at him with all the hatred he can muster and starts to reevaluate his life, like his opinion of things like destiny and fate and his attitude towards cannibalizing unhelpful party members when he runs out of food...

"On the bright side," Yuuri continues on, seemingly unaware of Yuugo's growing twitchy impulses. "The boss room is just ahead."

"What." Yuugo's head snaps up so quickly that he gets whiplash. "How the hell do you know that?"

"Oh?" Yuuri says with another one of his smug smiles that makes Yuugo want to put a boot through his face. "I thought you knew. Since you're the one with the map and all. Just figured you were trying to farm all the treasure chests since you wandered past it about four times."

"Yuuri," Yuugo says, full of murder as he not so subtly unsheathes his **dual** swords and enters into the trance needed to activate his limit break.

There isn't a single ounce of remorse on the smug, smirking malboro-fucker's face as he laughs and dances out of range. "Save that for the boss, Mr. Tank."

Before Yuugo could fly into a well-deserved rage, Yuuri casually sets several magic stones into the slots on one of the walls. Yuugo blinks, belatedly recognizing the rocks as a couple of useless drops that he had gotten from a bunch of unusually powerful monsters in some of the more elaborate rooms.

"Hey, what are you doing-" he ends up shutting his mouth with a click when the entire wall shudders and then sinks into the ground with an ominous rumble, revealing a long, narrow corridor. Yuugo is immediately hit with a rank, musty stench and he dubiously eyes the row of neatly laid out skulls with ghostfire flickering out from the sockets. "Oh."

The black mage lets out a sigh and Yuugo is too busy gawking at the hidden passage that he completely forgets he's supposed to be yelling at him.

"What a dump," Yuuri sniffs like he's personally offended at the unimaginative decor. Or maybe he's just pissed that they hadn't rolled out a red carpet to welcome him, like a fucking princess.

Yuugo pauses, turning to shoot Yuuri a significant look, his eyes roving over his face and down his clothes. "You're not actually a princess, right?" he asks worriedly. "Like, you're not suddenly going to have a big reveal and tell me your name's actually Sarah and get a dramatic haircut and then make me go on a quest to restore a crystal. Right?"

The look he gets in response is dry enough to plunge the kingdoms into eternal drought. "Do I look like a 'Sarah' to you?"

Yuugo has to admit he does not. He does shoot him one more suspicious look just in case he suddenly produces a tiara and a possibly world-ending plot device out of those long, black mage robes, before refocusing on the task at hand. Instead, he squares his shoulders, hands fisted around his dual blades, takes a deep breath, and marches resolutely down the tunnel towards his fate. He carefully doesn't take another breath until he reaches the other side. The smell is absolutely vile.

Not bothering to check if his royal pain in the asshole, Princess The-Shittiest-Mage-To-Form-A-Party-With-Yuuri was following him, Yuugo unceremoniously kicks down the door. He must have used too much force (or more likely the shitty old thing hadn't seen a repairman in a century) since it flies clean off its rusted hinges and smashes to pieces upon hitting the floor. Yuugo coughs, shielding his eyes from the cloud of dust that he had inadvertently kicked up.

Out of the dramatically billowing smoke comes a dark, foreboding shape and an icy blast of ominous killing intent leaks out. Yuugo thinks it's about damn time.

 **"Foolish mortals! Who dares intrude upon the domain of the-"**

"Yeah, yeah," Yuugo cuts in impatiently, lowering his stance as he starts to charge his mana. If only life came with a magical B button that can skip over all unnecessary dialogue. "Can we just get on with it? Skip to where I put my swords through your face and I loot your body and warp back to town?"

There is a clear moment of silence from the other side of the room and Yuugo squints hard. There's still too much dust to see, but he thinks his enemy looks vaguely humanoid. He spots a flash of gleaming silver and he throws up his guard in anticipation of the next...

"... Foolish mortals. Who dares intrude upon the domain of the dreaded Black Knight?"

...attack?

Yuugo blinks, a bemused look on his face. "... Did you seriously just repeat yourself? What are you, an NPC with preset lines?!"

The smoke finally clears and reveals Yuugo's dreaded enemy. Dressed entirely in a set of intimidating black armour, the dreaded Black Knight is... a lot shorter than Yuugo expected. Actually, that set of armour looked like it had seen better days. What little Yuugo can see of his opponent's face behind that black leather face mask looks just as bemused as he is. The Black Knight coughs awkwardly into a fist, fidgeting with the long, black lance that is as long as he is tall and entirely impractical.

Yuugo just stares and the Black Knight stares back. After a few more stretches of awkward silence, the Black Knight opens his mouth to try again. "...Foolish mortals-?"

Shit, now Yuugo is starting to feel sorry for him.

"No one cares who you are," Yuuri interjects, breaking the sad cycle of watching an enemy mob struggle to remember his lines. Yuugo turns around to see him still standing on the other side of the tunnel, not having moved an inch at the possibility of getting mud on his shoes. His uncanny violet eyes flash as a cruel smile curves across his lips. "You're just another unmemorable mid-boss that will die alone and unremembered, with your importance relegated to a couple of unnecessary flashbacks designed to torment the protagonist."

The Black Knight seems to deflate and mumbles something under his breath that sounds a lot like 'this wasn't exactly my idea'. Yuugo thinks there's probably something to be said about the state of the world when the mid-bosses look like kicked puppies while your own party member looks like the incarnation of evil.

"Can we try to kill each other now?" he asks hopefully.

His opponent lets out one of those long, suffering, too-weary-for-this-world type sighs and readies his lance. "I suppose."

They launch themselves at each other in a fierce clash of clanging metal and dancing sparks. Yuugo gratefully falls into the familiar rhythm of dodging and parrying, which is much better than being a part of that phenomenally awkward conversation. He curses when a slight misstep scores a light cut on his cheek but he can already feel his vitality draining away. He glares at his opponent, ducking under another stab and striking back with his blades. But as expected of a dungeon boss, a terrible orator or otherwise, the Black Knight is tough, warding off most of his attacks.

"A little help here?!" Yuugo calls even though it's an exercise in futility since Yuuri seems to be inspecting his manicure.

"I'm good, thanks." Yuuri waves him off. "Have fun with your deathmatch."

The Black Knight's eyes are full of sympathy the next time they clash blades again. "Is he always like that?"

"Yeah," Yuugo sighs. "He is."

The two of them share a quiet moment, until Yuugo manages to break the lock and put one of his swords through the Black Knight's chest. Ha, that's why dual blades are the best. "Hey, no hard feelings, right?" he asks the knight as he chokes, the amulet emblazoned on his chest cracking and disintegrating into dust. Yuugo feels a slight tug of regret over killing him. He probably would have made a way better party member than Yuuri.

"No hard feelings at all," his opponent agrees. "Actually, I should be thanking you."

There is a sudden flash of dazzling white light and Yuugo is left blinking in alarm. He takes a step back warily as he watches his opponent's wound heal itself while his body slowly rises up into the air. Oh. That's possibly not good.

"Wait, wait, wait," Yuugo cuts in. "This isn't where you laugh maniacally and go 'Ha, ha! This isn't even my final form!', is it?"

"This isn't even my final form," the Black Knight agrees dryly once the light show is over… and he looks almost exactly the same. Same beat up armour, same deadpan expression. Yuugo wearily raises his swords in anticipation, but his opponent makes no move to do anything besides stare at him with a slightly complicated expression. Yuugo continues to wait, tapping a slightly impatient rhythm with his foot.

"Well?!" he blurts out less than a minute later.

The Black Knight… sighs. "I can't remember my lines."

"Your lines."

"Yeah. Something about being one of Four Heavenly Kings, seeds of evil that must never be united. Armageddon. But it was so long ago and no one ever showed up so I never got to practice it."

"Oh," says Yuugo slowly. Dungeon bosses must have it pretty rough. He asks after another awkward pause, "You're not going to keep attacking me?"

The Black Knight blinks slowly, shaking his head like he's waking up from a deep slumber. "Do you want me to keep attacking you?"

Yuugo turns around to look at Yuuri who seems to have completely lost interest in the proceedings and is amusing himself with making little dancing people with his fire magic. Yuugo squints when one of the puppets with suspiciously familiar spikes in his hair gets swallowed by a small, fiery snake. He turns back to the knight. "Uh, not really," he confesses.

"Alright then," the knight says peaceably and puts his lance away, as much as someone can really put away such a giant weapon. The best he can do is really just hold it in a less threatening position.

"Alright," Yuugo agrees, slowly sheathing his swords and watching for sudden movements but the black knight doesn't move an inch. He doesn't even blink. Freaky.

Yuugo totally won that duel.

He slowly wanders around the chamber, inspecting the walls for some kind of secret passage or warp gate, muttering unhappily to himself when he doesn't find much. Throughout all of it, the Black Knight's eyes continue to trace his path around the room like a haunted painting. Yuuri is fundamentally unhelpful, firmly refusing to cross the tunnel.

"Aren't you going to help me at all?!" Yuugo asks.

"And ruin my hems? No thanks."

Yuugo grumbles a number of uncharitable things under his breath. "You can't stay over there forever, you know! The faster you help me, the faster we can all get outta here."

Yuuri only smiles sweetly in his direction, the flames continuing to twist and dance, forming a giant hand that salutes him with just one finger. Yuugo's eye twitches. He takes a deep breath and stomps back through the passage, feeling a vicious little curl of satisfaction when Yuuri's expression turns guarded.

"What are you... Let me down, you third tier muscle brain and I'll incinerate you quickly ." The noise Yuuri makes is erring on the side of undignified when Yuugo recklessly scoops him up in his arms.

"Then I'll drop you in the sewer," Yuugo replies without missing a beat. Yuuri doesn't reply right away and Yuugo inwardly gloats at finally getting one up on Yuuri. Until Yuuri's expression turns considering and he loops his arms around his neck.

"Very well," Yuuri sighs, his sudden smile sending warning shivers up Yuugo's spine when he leans his head against his shoulder and makes himself comfortable. "You may carry me across the threshold. Heehee."

For some reason, Yuugo's face suddenly flames red like Yuuri had actually cast the firaga that he had been threatening to. What? What the hell is up with this event? Yuugo debates tossing him down on his ass anyway and running like hell. But that would probably make his life far too perilous. He sucks in a deep breath, making his cheeks bulge like a chipmunk's as he sprints down the hall, all too aware of how unnecessarily close Yuuri's face is.

He only allows himself to breathe once they're clear of the tunnel and expels the air from his lungs in a messy huff. Yuugo practically flings Yuuri away from him and makes a big show out of stomping off to examine the walls again.

"My hero," Yuuri sighs sarcastically as he presses a hand to his chest where his heart would be if he had one. Yuugo has no doubts.

Yuugo grits his teeth and counts backward from forty. His heart is still beating unnecessarily fast, considering the hallway wasn't really all that long and it has been ages since his battle with the dark knight. Unless Yuuri is just that fat. "Are you going to help me or not?" he grouses, crossing his arms over his chest and glowers.

"Oh, if you must insist." Yuuri sniffs like he's offended by the very concept of helping out another person. Yuugo just keeps glaring at him as he meanders over to the far side of the wall which was emblazoned with a sigil that, in hindsight, was actually pretty conspicuous. The irritating mage cocks a hand on his hip as he does another one of those patronizing eyebrows raises as he knocks his staff carelessly against it. "Was this what you were looking for?"

Right on cue, the walls rumble again, slowly grinding apart (and kicking up another ancient cloud of gas that has Yuugo coughing up a lung) to reveal a beautiful, shining portal that brings actual tears to Yuugo's eyes.

"Fucking finally!" he cries and in the heat of the moment, he throws his swords up into the air to the sound of an imaginary victory fanfare. He hurriedly catches them again and stows them safely into their sheaths. Finally, he can ditch this nightmare dungeon and bid adios to Yuuri's stupid jerkface. His heart races at the prospect of what's waiting for him on the other side. Fresh air and sunlight and another generic town with ridiculously overpriced inns.

Never one to miss a chance to rain disdain on his parade, Yuuri clicks his tongue. "If you're done with the dramatics, shall we finally get going? All this dungeon damp is bad for my hair."

Yuugo sputters and gawks at him incredulously. "You're the one who- ugh! Forget it!" He grumbles to himself and stomps after him only to pause at the last second when he remembers something. He turns back at the silent figure standing in the corner. The dark knight still hasn't moved a muscle, but he seems to be looking over at him with a slightly longing expression that reminds Yuugo of an abandoned puppy pawing at the door.

"Uh," he says awkwardly, scratching the back of his neck. "You gonna just stand there? Forever?"

The dark knight blinks at him slowly with big, soulful gray eyes "I suppose so. It's not as if I have anywhere else to go."

An incredible amount of pity wells up in Yuugo's chest and before he can help himself, he blurts out without thinking, "D'you wanna come with us?"

The dark knight blinks, seemingly floored at the impromptu invitation. "Really? You want me as your traveling companion? Even after I tried to kill you? And you put a sword through my chest?"

"Sure, why not?" Yuugo sighs, shoulders slumping. "You can't be any worse than this asshole."

The knight nods slowly. "Then I guess it can't hurt."

"You can't be serious," Yuuri interjects flatly, crossing his arms and looking far more displeased than Yuugo thinks he has any right to be. "You're asking him to join our party?"

"Uh, yeah?" Yuugo's voice comes out as more as a question as he stares blankly back at him. "Got a problem with that?"

Instead of answering, Yuuri levels a pissy glare at him before he huffs. With an overly-dramatic whirl of his mage robes, he vanishes through the portal in a flash of violet light. Yuugo raises both his eyebrows in bewilderment because he still hasn't figured out how to raise just the one. "What got his panties in a bunch?" he mutters before following suit as the knight's heavy metal footsteps clank on behind him.

Surely, he thinks with conviction, his life will only improve without Yuuri throwing him under the behemoth… both figuratively and literally. No good had ever come from his association with Yuuri. The moment he gets out of here, Yuugo is going to ditch him like a flaming bag of shit on the first doorstep he can find and never look back. Let him be someone else's problem.

He's definitely not going to miss him one bit.

With that positive thought in mind, Yuugo marches onward.


End file.
